Chapter 8: Tired

Cancer Boy is tired. I sleep 8 hours a night, I nap 3 hours a day, and I am always tired. It gets easier as I get farther from Chemo, but there is the dread that another dose of chemo is right around the corner.

I'm tired of people being overly nice to me. I'm not dying, I'm just a little sick. There are millions of people in the world who are in worse shape than I am, what right do I have to accept the kindness of others?

NOTE: I'm also tired of people saying they are praying for me. If G-D gave a damn, she wouldn't have given me cancer in the first place. Yeah, I know, she has a reason for everything, but I'm kind of tired of her bullshit and wish she could leave me alone for a couple of years.

I'm also tired of people who ignore my condition. I know, I can't have it all, but do people need to go out of their way to ignore what I'm going through because they are scared of cancer. I know you can't relate unless you've been there, but please, try to have a little compassion.

Mostly I'm tired of chemo. I've only been twice, and already I'm done. I have a life to live and it steals it away from me. I'm tired of being sick, in pain, and a total waste at home. I'm tired of my wife crying because of the stress she is under and I am unable to help because the chemo makes me so ill. I'm tired of not being a good father because I don't have the energy to deal with my boys.

The one thing I am not tired of is life. So I keep going knowing that chemo is in a week. I turn 39 on Friday, and I know that I want to see at least 50 more birthdays. I want to see my boys grow up and lead lives of their own. And I want to spend a lot of time with the woman I love. So, I put up with being tired and the chemo and all the bad stuff, because I know that the good stuff is right around the corner.