Cancer Boy is tired. I sleep 8 hours a night, I nap 3 hours a day, and I am always tired. It gets easier as I get farther from Chemo, but there is the dread that another dose of chemo is right around the corner.
I'm tired of people being overly nice to me. I'm not dying, I'm just a little sick. There are millions of people in the world who are in worse shape than I am, what right do I have to accept the kindness of others?
NOTE: I'm also tired of people saying they are praying for me. If G-D gave a damn, she wouldn't have given me cancer in the first place. Yeah, I know, she has a reason for everything, but I'm kind of tired of her bullshit and wish she could leave me alone for a couple of years.
I'm also tired of people who ignore my condition. I know, I can't have it all, but do people need to go out of their way to ignore what I'm going through because they are scared of cancer. I know you can't relate unless you've been there, but please, try to have a little compassion.
Mostly I'm tired of chemo. I've only been twice, and already I'm done. I have a life to live and it steals it away from me. I'm tired of being sick, in pain, and a total waste at home. I'm tired of my wife crying because of the stress she is under and I am unable to help because the chemo makes me so ill. I'm tired of not being a good father because I don't have the energy to deal with my boys.
The one thing I am not tired of is life. So I keep going knowing that chemo is in a week. I turn 39 on Friday, and I know that I want to see at least 50 more birthdays. I want to see my boys grow up and lead lives of their own. And I want to spend a lot of time with the woman I love. So, I put up with being tired and the chemo and all the bad stuff, because I know that the good stuff is right around the corner.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Chapter 7: Upsin Downs
Well, just as I was feeling better, I received another dose of chemo. Nothing like chemo to knock you back on your ass. I was doing great - out for walks, tasting food, working; just like life was normal, then I got the reminder that, no, my life is no longer normal. Gotta say, not really enjoying the chemo.
On other fronts, things have been going very well. I have been receiving tons of support from friends and family...
Note - I have the most wonderful wife in the world. With everything going on, she is doing an amazing job of holding it together. Granted, I knew she was tough - I have the bruises to prove it - but she is showing inhuman stamina. Truly my wife is an amazing woman.
One family member sent me rye bread - may not seem like a big deal, but trust me, there is nothing better than a good rye bread and it is something I can't buy in the town I live in. My friends have been better and the people at work are wonderful. Still not sure if I'm going to tell my students, although, as I lose my hair - which is happening rapidly - they will probably guess what is going on.
2 more treatments and then the PET scan. Hopefully, the PET will be positive and I can be done with chemo soon, otherwise it is another few months. The light at the end of the tunnel is there and growing brighter especially with a trip to Mexico in June to now look forward to.
So keep your chins up as Cancer Boy is getting through. To all my supporters, I appreciate everything you do to help me and my family.
On other fronts, things have been going very well. I have been receiving tons of support from friends and family...
Note - I have the most wonderful wife in the world. With everything going on, she is doing an amazing job of holding it together. Granted, I knew she was tough - I have the bruises to prove it - but she is showing inhuman stamina. Truly my wife is an amazing woman.
One family member sent me rye bread - may not seem like a big deal, but trust me, there is nothing better than a good rye bread and it is something I can't buy in the town I live in. My friends have been better and the people at work are wonderful. Still not sure if I'm going to tell my students, although, as I lose my hair - which is happening rapidly - they will probably guess what is going on.
2 more treatments and then the PET scan. Hopefully, the PET will be positive and I can be done with chemo soon, otherwise it is another few months. The light at the end of the tunnel is there and growing brighter especially with a trip to Mexico in June to now look forward to.
So keep your chins up as Cancer Boy is getting through. To all my supporters, I appreciate everything you do to help me and my family.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Chapter 6: Resistance is futile.
Cancer Boy became a Borg this week. I had a port-a-cath put in to help cut down on pain when I get chemo. They can now plug directly into the drip, no more holes in my hands or arms. Now, I always thought it would be cool to be a cyborg, but this isn't exactly what I had in mind. I wanted to be like Johnny Mnemonic and plug into the web with a port in my head. Still, anything that makes me part machine is very cool.'
Only problem is that the damn thing hurts. Sure it was just put in 2 days ago, but come on, it was a 20 minute surgery. This hurts more than both of my biopsies which lasted longer and had bigger scars.
Note: I hate Pharmacists. Mine decided that he knew best and wouldn't give me the drugs I requested one doctor to give me because another doctor had given me something else. He felt that I was going to sell them in a back alley somewhere, or that I'm an addict. Now we are talking about a drug that makes me jittery and gives me constipation. Yeah, that's what I'm going to become addicted to.
So, equipped with my new powers I am ready to tackle chemo again in 4 days. Just as I am starting to feel good again, I get more poison pumped into my body. Hopefully my new powers will help to cut down on the lingering pain and will allow Cancer Boy to fight the good fight.
Only problem is that the damn thing hurts. Sure it was just put in 2 days ago, but come on, it was a 20 minute surgery. This hurts more than both of my biopsies which lasted longer and had bigger scars.
Note: I hate Pharmacists. Mine decided that he knew best and wouldn't give me the drugs I requested one doctor to give me because another doctor had given me something else. He felt that I was going to sell them in a back alley somewhere, or that I'm an addict. Now we are talking about a drug that makes me jittery and gives me constipation. Yeah, that's what I'm going to become addicted to.
So, equipped with my new powers I am ready to tackle chemo again in 4 days. Just as I am starting to feel good again, I get more poison pumped into my body. Hopefully my new powers will help to cut down on the lingering pain and will allow Cancer Boy to fight the good fight.
Saturday, January 3, 2009
Ch. 5 The Surreal Life
I had an interesting thought yesterday as I was sitting in pain unable to do anything. A week ago, I was fine. Good health, feeling good, eating well, happy with life. Sure, I had cancer, but it was not affecting my quality of life. A week later and I can't eat, I'm in pain, have no energy and can barely get off the couch. So the question becomes, how is this better? I was healthy, now I'm not.
10 years from now, I will probably look back at this and realize that it was worth if in the long run. But short term, my quality of life has gone way down hill.
Note: I am a big fan of food. Since I had chemo, I not only can't taste anything, but it hurts to eat. Now, as a diet plan, this is great, but as a way to get better, it kinda sucks. My wife made Captain Crunch French toast for breakfast, and it had almost no taste. I might as well have eaten cardboard with Styrofoam bits.
Life moves on and I am growing used to my now lower quality of life. Every day I feel a little better, but every day I find I am eating less and less. Hopefully it is something the Dr. will be able to help me with, or I am going to be a stick in 6 months.
On another side note: My cable company has stopped carrying Fox. As I can do little but sit on the couch, to lose out on 2 of the 5 TV programs I watch, not to mention the National Championship game is really getting me cranky. A friend of mine today called me Cranky Cancer Man, and it is true. All I know is that both Fox and the cable company will be getting a call from Cranky Cancer Man so please feel free to pity whomever I reach on the phone.
10 years from now, I will probably look back at this and realize that it was worth if in the long run. But short term, my quality of life has gone way down hill.
Note: I am a big fan of food. Since I had chemo, I not only can't taste anything, but it hurts to eat. Now, as a diet plan, this is great, but as a way to get better, it kinda sucks. My wife made Captain Crunch French toast for breakfast, and it had almost no taste. I might as well have eaten cardboard with Styrofoam bits.
Life moves on and I am growing used to my now lower quality of life. Every day I feel a little better, but every day I find I am eating less and less. Hopefully it is something the Dr. will be able to help me with, or I am going to be a stick in 6 months.
On another side note: My cable company has stopped carrying Fox. As I can do little but sit on the couch, to lose out on 2 of the 5 TV programs I watch, not to mention the National Championship game is really getting me cranky. A friend of mine today called me Cranky Cancer Man, and it is true. All I know is that both Fox and the cable company will be getting a call from Cranky Cancer Man so please feel free to pity whomever I reach on the phone.
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